April 27.2019

Not every revelation demands a public broadcast.
More often than not, a word from God demands you to sit with it.
and wrestle with the parts of you that refuses to submit to it.

It demands a decay
from your flesh
So that the spirit God entrusted you with
could win

This ... work
This messy and holy work
can be too sacred to be done with an online audience.

I often find myself conflicted with my public transparency.
The first few months of 2019, I've been 'louder' at sharing my story with Lupus. I wrote an article on CBC. I was on CBC's podcast Now or Never.
Earlier this week, I managed to fundraise over $ 1000 for the Lupus Society of Alberta. Even created a video to kick-start the fundraiser.

All this broadcast is 5 years living in this body with Lupus, and slowly finding the vocabulary for myself, and gaining enough strength to share it publicly. I'm glad I didn't rush the broadcast. The moments that I tried memorizing my poem about living with lupus and breaking down always told me that this part of me was too tender for me to expose to audience just yet.
Now that I am... here: public. I am thankful that I listened to my body and what it needed.

Even if I feel exposed every time I share my experience with Lupus. It doesn't feel like I'm triggering an old wound, even if my battle with Lupus continues

Maybe it's because I'm not in the valley and trenches...but I'm getting to a hill top. Either way, I'm grateful. That I didn't give up when I wanted to. God is still creating glory out of dust.